What I wish my 20 year old self had known working in banking
I started my career at one of the top blue chip investment banks. I had hustled thorough school to get the grades, be on every committee, volunteer, be on the tennis the, swim team and also be a Girl Scout. I experienced my first adult life “failure” when I didn’t get into Oxford University. Like my Dad had done.
When I landed the job at this prestigious bank - it was against all odds. No one thought I could do it. They said my maths wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t technical, that I wouldn’t last in the cut throat environment.
That was fuel for me. To prove everyone wrong. To actually do what family, peers, others believed I couldn’t.
The next ten + years of my life this motivation of proving myself fuelled me. I put myself through the hoops physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually (though the latter I had no concept about till my late thirties). There were times I would cry in the cubicles at work because my boss at the time was such a bully. I just didn’t have any outlet for my pain at the time that could help. I felt I had no choice but to push through.
When I look back at the 12 years I spent in finance and then the 5 more years in and out of corporate gigs, I wish I had more compassion for myself.
Here are some of my most important lessons and what I would say to myself back then, knowing what I know now:
If any boss doesn’t have your back as a woman in the industry, having to handle sleazy clients, sexism and inappropriate behaviour in the work place- that’s on them. It’s not because you are weak and can’t “handle the heat” - he’s just an a**hole. Moreover if you are ever coerced into dinner or drinks or anything else that makes you feel pretty much stripped bare and vulnerable- you are not too sensitive and nor is it in your imagination. This is misuse of power and chauvinism. You did your best and I’m sorry you went through that. (This was way before the whole Me Too movement)
If a company or boss hire you under contract for one particular role, but they change that role once you have signed and accepted that job - that’s unethical. It doesn’t mean you are difficult, it doesn’t mean you are not a team player if you stand up for yourself. You learnt hard lessons about who is really in your corner when the chips are down, but you were right in feeling the injustice of the situation. Your sense of justice and ethics is one of the great things about you. Don’t change for people or institutions that don’t value their word.
On the subject of trust, it’s totally normal to think people will stick to promises. Let them put that on paper. If they don’t- it’s not real. Be prepared to have your own back because unless something is on paper, the promise didn’t exist.
Speaking up for yourself doesn’t make you a trouble maker. You were learning how to have healthy boundaries in the face of corporate bullying. It is scary. But you survived and are wiser for it.
Just because a head hunter or recruiter doesn’t understand your career path, because you moved products, companies and jobs when it was time to go - doesn’t make you “unemployable.” You learnt that people in your network: your bosses, co-workers, clients know what you’re capable of. And that’s your super power. Your network is golden because it’s personal and that’s where your opportunities come from.
You don’t need to put in face time to be successful. Sadly many companies still operate this way, and you did your 16 hour days like a boss. Well not really like a boss, more like a corpse walking through Hades at times, but you are RESILIENT AF. You survived all of that and still remember the many good times.
In my mid 40s, through delving deep into my Human Design and doing a LOT of healing and self development, I now have so much love and compassion for my younger hustler self. I am not made to work like a robot. Being a motorless Projector (a human design archetype) I don’t have the sacral energy to keep relentlessly putting in the hours. I see things to be corrected and how to guide people and resources before even the manager/boss realises. Being a Projector and highly intuitive I see things before they happen: I can see when things will work or not. I just need to be around people who recognise my skills and shouldn’t waste my time conforming. Finally, I’m not there to prove myself. All that fuel for motivation was not coming from a healthy place. It was coming from lack. From feeling I am not good enough so wanting to “prove myself.”
I can see how for many people reading this it may sound like I am complaining or not relating to the “real world”. I’m not here to convince anyone. I am writing this for myself and for the thousands of women who may resonate with similar experiences. I don’t believe in proving one’s self worth. I believe trust goes both ways and an employee is a value to the company when doing the role they are naturally suited to. This doesn’t apply to people who slack off or don’t fulfil their job function. That was not my case.
My purpose in sharing this is to remind those of you who have experineced something similar, to have grace and love for the journey you have been on. Don’t let anyone dampen your fire, don’t let anyone tell you - you can’t. Also don’t feel you have to suffer to prove your worth.
As I enter another chapter of my own career evolution, I am keeping these lessons very close to my heart. If they don’t see your value. Move on. Find something better. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, speak up. If they still don’t make amends - leave. Nothing is worth your self respect and health. Look in the mirror: be able to hold your head up high. That’s all that counts. The right opportunity is there. With the people who share your values. Because you are more than WORTHY.
I had plenty of amazing times in my finance and corporate life. I cherish the relationships I built. The skills I learnt. The mandates I delivered on. It just didn’t have to be that hard. And given my experience and what I know now - I won’t repeat the same lessons.
I help people navigate scenarios like this all the time. Because I have been there.
How to stay in a tricky situation, without losing your mind and your health -because you choose that.
How to see your inherent value and communicate that with grace and a solid grounding in your self worth.
How to know when to transition careers and how to even discover what it is you really want to do.
How to set up a passion side hustle that can turn into your main career while you ease out of your current gig.
There is help out there. If you feel resonance with these words, drop me a line or check out my packages here.